reflections

Today, during missions training, we were taught how to write a testimony, and then we were told to write a testimony.
Honestly speaking, i haven't led much of an exciting life. I grew up in a christian home, surrounded by christian virtues, christian books and christian songs. I've never felt purpose-less in my life, because i've wanted to be a doctor since the age of 5. You'd think that i'd not have anything to say about what God has done for me. Yet when i look back on my life, i see so many instances where God has truly uplifted me, saved me, touched me. My life is littered with incidents of God's grace, and his constant attempts to reach out to me.
I don't feel particularly inspired to write my testimony here, but i will dwell on the two most sacred memories i have.
The first happened in Israel. It wasn't all those breathtaking sights that are plotted on the tourist map, nor was it that moment in front of the empty tomb. In fact, this incident was truly God-orchestrated. From the start, i had been a wet blanket, simply because i didn't want to go for the trip AT ALL. In fact, it was so bad that i nearly wept at the airport, because firstly, it was during the chinese new year break, and i didn't want to miss the fellowship with my cousins, or the hongbaos :P secondly, there was no one remotely close to my age except my sisters and my sister's friend. Thirdly, i had a small mountain of homework to shovel through, and i was reluctant to leave it behind. So throughout the trip, whilst i was enjoying the sights of Israel, the back of my head was thrumming with thoughts like: "homework, homework, homework!!!" I was so freaked out i even TRIED to do my homework at night, after clambering all over israel (it's no joke, i THINK i managed to write a word or two on the last night) On the later part of the trip, just as the thrumming was getting louder and LOUDER, we went to Jordan to look at Petra. It was amazing. But what was more amazing was the trip back. Four hours on a bus (albeit a coach) is no joke. Especially when you are sitting at the back, and VERY prone to car sickness. so there i was, lying limpidly in my seat, dozing off on my sister's shoulder, when we entered the valley seperating the two countries, Jordon and Israel. I remember sighing at the massive clouds at the Jordon side, because it effectively blocked out the beautiful range of red mountains (one of which is a secret privy to Petra). The air was fuming with mist, and it looked altogether gloomy. Except that the sun peaked out of a break of clouds on the israel side, and light flooded into the valley. When it hit the mist, a beautiful rainbow appeared. It wasn't one of those flimsy see through half-archs you see in singapore. This was a substantial, vivid arch that stretched across the ENTIRE valley. It was breathtaking. and it was a double rainbow, with another half of a rainbow over them both! It was like God was telling me "Everything will be alright." I could have cried. God was such a good God!

psalms 87:8
Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.
10: For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.

The other one will be saved for another day... too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing.

undivided heart

Today, at e_God, we had this really meaningful session of meditation on the passage of PSalms 86:1-11
the phrase that struck me most was "give me an undivided heart, that i may fear your name".
this is what i wrote during service:
maybe i haven't truly let go, and it's affecting my personal relationship with Christ.
Lord, help me to fear your name, to accept your will and to obey you. Help me to let go. Help me to give you an undivided heart, a heart without doubt, a heart without misplaced hope. Help me to turn to you, to rely on you, and not rely on my own strengths.

let me be a candle
burning before the cross
let my light always shine
to shed a pathway for the lost.

let me be a candle
shining for the Lord.
may my dancing flame
dance for the cross alone

let my candle burn,
though the winds may toss
let my light forever shine
upon the face of the cross.

track

have you ever felt that you were wasting your time? Felt that no matter how hard you tried, you found that you were failing? Have you ever felt that you were nothing? Well, that's just how i feel about track. When i first entered track and field in secondary 1, i was on parr with all the rest of the sprinters. But as time passed, no matter how hard i worked, i was slowly beginning to be outstripped by the rest of them. In the end, i became the slowest in sprints. talk about disappointment. That exhilaration while you pump of your legs? It turned to frustration, as i willed my legs to pump just a bit harder, willed myself faster, faster. It came to a point where i was totally defeated. I approached my coach, to be transferred to Long distance. I never felt that passion for track again. I never looked forward to training, i never aimed to enter another race. How could i? I wanted to quit track.
But somehow, i never did. Everytime i wanted to give up, somehow I'd begin to question WHY God was doing this. He never does anything for nothing. I had to trust him. It didn't get easier from then. Every training was a battle. Everytime it came to the point where i had to choose between taking the bus to training, or crossing the bridge to go home, it took all of my will power, and even then, sometimes God had to help. I didn't see the point of training. But i saw a purpose for me to go for training, if it was only in obedience to God.
Today, during training, we were experimenting with the basics of pole vaulting. and my coach said that maybe this was my niche. It's a little late, considering that i'm secondary 3, to discover my niche. But if it's God will, it will come to pass. All in his time.

generation Esther

I've just finished reading one fourth of my mother's birthday present to me, a book called Generation Esther, by Lisa Ryan.
This book talks about several "modern-day Esthers" who have listened and obeyed God's calling at crucial times of their lives, thereby allowing God to use them in life-changing ways. What really caught my attention is that they were all very very young, and had all dedicated their WHOLE lives to God. Some of them had even taken drastic measures like dropping out of public school to be home-schooled, just so that they could focus more time on God. There was one story that really inspired me, although compared to the others, it wasn't the most dramatic and touching one. It's about three girls, really, and how in their seperate lives, they found God, and instead of being luke-warm christians like me, they went all out, and gave EVERYTHING to God. One of them gave up an HOUR of sleep every single day to read the word of God, another fasted every friday and saturday night, and at times, when the spirit called on them, they would fast for days at a time.
To me, fasting is like a big deal, because, well, I cannot fanthom going an entire day without food without becoming limp and letargic. And these girls are going on FOURTY day fasts, praying for HOURS, and with such ferver and passion. And i want that. I want that intimacy with God, that passion, and all-out attitude for God.
Funny, how today's E_God service concides with this book. The sermon today was: Slow Down, and Pastor Kao was urging us to set aside a day of the week for God, resting body, emotions and spirit. And i was just pondering this, and have decided that i shall attempt to do this. I know it's crazy, what with exams in three weeks time, but God is first.
Honestly, I'm nervous about what I've been doing these past few weeks. Lately, studying has no longer become the centre of my existence, though i can't say that it is no longer a major part of my life. Right now, Top Priority is a tug-of-war between God, Family and studying. I know the importance of doing well for exams, but all of a sudden, i don't find satisfaction in mugging all day. I want more.
I've had a revelation. By limiting myself to becoming a doctor one day, I've been wondering if i've been actually obeying God's will. I wonder whether, when the time comes, i will say "let your will be done". Right now, i know that if i continue with studies as the center of my life, if I don't become a doctor, I will probably go into severe depression. So maybe that is all the more reason for me to start changing. So that when the time comes, i can truly say "let your will be done".

prayer for a friend

I was feeling sorely troubled over a friend of mine, and jie counselled me and gave me this prayer to pray. or something like it.
Dear heavenly father,
i know that you love me very very much, and i love you too.
I know that whatever you put me through is for my own good,
and you will always be with me, through it all.
I know that whatever you have planned for me is for the best.
Father, you know everything that's going in my life,
and you know that i am feeling worried for ______.
I pray that you will bless_______ and protect _____always,
and, when the time comes, through me.
I pray that i will love ______ with christianly love,
and forget all other emotions.
AMEN!
except that it was much longer and more personal when she told it to me.
Thank you, God, for my sister, and for your perfect timing.
I trust you with all of my heart.

e_god

Yesterday's service was truly one of a kind.
and in a very good sense.
I've never been to a more personal service before. Oh wait, i take that back. Well, the only time i've felt this one-to-one intimacy before was in St Andrew's in cotswold and in the middle of a lavender field in snowshill. It's one of those rare times when u commune with God, and you feel his presence- not around you, but in your inmost being.
When i first stepped in, i was a bit taken aback, and my first impulse was to spin around and walk out again. I was expecting a large, well-lit and/or noisy place, and all i got was this candle-lit small room with a handful of 15 to 20 people in attendance. And the music wasn't the usual tacklebox kind, with loud drums and guitars. This was quiet and restive, and for a lack of a better word, hymnal. Yet they weren't singing hymns.
And then i saw the four stations, although at first glance they REALLY reminded me of alters. But what could i do, my parents were already sitting, plus i was standing next to yong zhi, so walking out seemed... rude.
but then pastor kao spoke such a nice, succint message about experiencing God, and then we entered this time of personal reflection.
Have u ever tried scrutinizing urself? Whenever i do it, i always feel miserable and dejected and HOLE-y like this spoiled doll that's missing an eye or something.
Anyway, there were four stations, and i didn't feel like taking the initiative to go first, so i sat around staring into candles and reflecting. And i came to a conclusion that i have alot that i need help in. So i was feeling all dejected and depressed at the badness of me that when i approached my first station, i was a bit... startled. Cos there was this pile of pebbles, and this bucket of water, and this instruction sheet that told u to pick up a pebble and think of it as ur troubles, and then dunk it into the pail which is God. I could have SHOUTED for joy. Isn't God so GOOD? God's like this huge ocean, that takes ALL the pebbles you could possibly throw at him, and grinds them into fine sand.
Then next station had a mirror, and it told u to look at urself and like urself, as well as look at others and love them. it asked u to pray too christ that u would be more accepting of people who were hard to like. the third station was really nice. Cos pastor Lynette was there, and she prayed for you, in whatever areas you request. It was so NICE to have this pastor praying PERSONALLY for you, making you feel as if she really cared for you. ANd i skipped the last station, due to a lack of time. Then i went to the holy communion table, where pastor kao was having one to one holy communion with us. it was the most solemn yet joyful holy communion i'd ever had (except the one in israel, where we had it right in golgotha, and staring into the empty tomb and thinking: MY GOD IS RISEN!!). joyful because it was such a relief to LET GO of everything, and just TRUST and depend on him. Solemn because of the price he paid for me.

philosophy

Previously, i've always thought that philosophy is an interesting subject worth pursuing, just for the sake of having the chance to voice your oppinion.
Recently, however, i have begun to look at philosophy with askance, simply because of the kill-joy factor in it. In philosophy, we are taught to question the things around us, not for the sake of a definitive answer ( which we know there isn't one) but for the sake of questioning. The real joy of philosophy isn't so much as formulating questions (all children do this, mind, it isn't a skill, or an intricate thought process, it's an inborn human instinct) but in shoot traditions, beliefs and precepts down.
Philosophy is not based on man's quest for knowledge, but based on man's stubborn refusal to admit that there are things that arer beyond comprehension. Philosophy is based largely on the assumption that there are no right answers because we don't know the right answers. Philosophy isn't admitting that one is incapable of being ignorant, but a false sense of humility that we can't possibly be right.
Personally, i believe that there is a right answer and there is a wrong answer. We just don't know how to recognize them. Our minds have been constructed to think linearly; we believe that everything comes in black, white and grey, grey being that hazy line in between that we chuck all beliefs, ideologies and "answers" in, just because there is no concrete proof to back it up with.
Philosophy is based on one question: "How do you know for SURE?" although it does provoke thinking, it is thoughtless thinking, because we do not intend, through this teaching, to actually gain any aswers; rather, we are merely questioning for the sake of questioning.
in the old days, such questioning met with a singular response, which i find very suitable. SHUT UP.
And now, before you condemn me as being old- fashioned and square, i shall state very clearly that i think questioning itself is a very good practice, but it must be done with the right reasons. In asking questions, we must be seeking an answer, an answer which, if reasonable, we mean to accept as our own. This is the kind of questioning that children are born with, and this is the kind of questioning that ought to be encouraged. What i am putting down is the adult version of this innocent thirst for knowledge, which leads one to ask pointed questions with answers that we do not even intend to accept. THAT is a waste of time.