walking through the fog

Ever wish you knew what was right ahead of you? Ever feared to know the future less it should contain volumes of tragedy and shards of shattered dreams? I wish i could look ahead of time, to preempt any disappointments and change my goals.
To most of my friends, i am a focused, goal-driven girl who knows exactly where she's headed. What they don't know is the countless number of times i regret announcing my ambition to the whole wide world, for fear of disappointing them. Almost my whole life has revolved around my ambition. Since i was really young, i've known what i want to be. it was my one goal. Why do you love science? Cos i want to be a doctor. Why leave your old school, best friends? Cos i want to be a doctor. WHy choose triple science? I want to be a doctor. And now, 10 or so years after i first set that lofty ambition, i'm beginning to wonder if i actually have the substance for it. I wonder if i'll ever make it. i fear failure. i fear disappointment. But most of all, i fear staring into a future devoid of a goal, lost and unsure.
I remember a similar fear that grips me when i stand at the edge of the flying fox tower . i fear the fall, and so i hesitate. i screech to a halt and my mind goes blank. And then i remember the rope attached to me. And that one assurance lets me walk of the platform, lets me take this "huge" step forward that takes me on an exhilarating journey. And i look back, and laugh at my fear. sure, i fell. But that fall proved that i was safely held by the rope, and the fall enabled me to move on.
Funny, huh? how a silly little activity like Flying fox can solve the huge headache of an uncertain future. In the course of writing what started to be a woe-ridden account of my one fear, it turned into a self-inspirational story that makes me smile at the great "leap" to come.
I still want to be a doctor. And i still have a tiny bit of fear that i will not make it. But when the ttime comes, and i have to take a fall, i know that it'll only be the preliminary dip to an exhilarating journey that will take me past my wildest expectations. Because i have an awefully strong can-carry-two-heffalumps rope. I have Jesus Christ. And so even if i leap off the platform, or roll off it, i'll always land safely.

people say "courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to overcome it"
that makes me a coward.
Christ says: "Trust in the Lord you God"
that makes me christian.

so i'm walking through the fog, yes. but i'm holding on to a rope, and it's leading out of this fog, into the eternal light of heaven.