ice princess

I once hated feelings. they seemed so transcient. One minute you feel so high and light,lke a feather adrift in a breeze, the next minute you get knocked down by a word, a phrase, an action. I hated being powerless, being unable to control my tears, my anger, my pain. Everytime i got angry i'd cry, and hate myself as i glared through the glistening tears fast gathering in the corners of my eyes. I thought that if i got rid of all the emotions, i'd get rid of all the hurt. But what i didn't realise was that the more i tried to control my feelings by keeping a wall around me, the more terrifying i became. i became cold. as if nothing could hurt me, and nothing could make me cry. but i learnt that having ice in your eyes instead of tears wasn't so comfortable, and after you let loose the facade, what's inside is still that raw hurt.
I don't know when i stopped. BUt i know i must have, because i can feel each emotion running through me. That quick pulse of delight at the sight of the sky, that surge of glee as i licked an ice cream. that solitary blue of loneliness and the dull grey of sorrow. Emotions, i realised, were human's way of being illogical, impulsive and creative. Imagine a world without emotions, where everything was bland and tasteless and flat. The fact that animals have emotions just goes to show just how much God valued feeling. He wanted us to use emotion as a form of worship. He wanted us to appeal to him throughout every colour of pain, every sound of joy and every surge of anger.
It isn't easy to accept that pain and anger are part of life. It isn't easy to feel lost and out of control. But i guess it does remind me of just how much i depend on God for comfort. That through it all, he's in charge.