Something's happened, and all of a sudden my world's crumbled, and everything is just one big hurt. It's like you can't stone any more, every second your mind isn't engaged on something else, it get's sucked into that black hole and starts dwelling on the matter, dwelling, dwelling, and the mroe you dwell on it the more it seems to consume your life. I dread another day, and yet i can't wait for tomorrow to come, that hazy tomorrow when things will go back to the sunshine-and-meadow days.
The worst thing of everything is that i can't tell any of it to anyone, and so it just grows and grows, and i feel like a balloon, swelling from all this pain, and i know that soon, very soon, i will pop. I think i might have popped already, and in fact, i nearly nearly did, but then God came into my mind and gave me that slice of consciousness that stopped me from my course of action. I've never felt so out of control, i've never felt so lost. I go about, living this useless pantomine of a normal life, but inside me, i'm corroding. i don't know how to stop my world from crashing about my ears. All i can do is cling to God, and even then, i find it very hard at times not to let go, give up and retreat into a dark, quiet space forever.
For the first time, i wish i were blind so i did not have to see. i wish i were deaf so i needn't hear. i wish everything would just stop. But everytime i even think of making things stop, God stops me. And it's so hard to listen to that small voice inside of me, and yet i do, because i don't want to lose my soul.
Heavenly father, i give u my life cos i don't want it anymore. i don't. Do what you want to me, Lord. Just get me out of this mess. Please.
The funny thing is, i can go for weeks without alot of sleep, months with alot of pressure. But when one thing like this comes along. i'm paralysed. i'm incapacitated. My life is a blank page with one big smear across it.