the real me

i wonder who i am.
i wonder if the face i present to the world is the real me.
i wonder if the face i show myself is the real me.
i wonder if the two faces are any different.

trust him

God is so good. No matter how spiritually dry i feel, he still listens to my cries and prayers, and helps me.
Yesterday, I was killing brain cells worrying about our mission trip. I felt that we were very leaky vessels to be carrying the gospel about. I'm not referring to the whole age thing. I'm referring to us, Swordfeesh as a vessel. We are like bits roughly hewn together with all sorts of cracks at places where we are supposed to be air tight. We have so very many differences, i don't know if we can stay united long enough to be effective for God. So last night, i was wearing a strip in my floor pondering over the grievious matter, and prayed that God would intercede amongst us and come between us all to fill all our cracks.
today, a lady came up and shared about her mission trip, and how it had been very difficult due to some personal issues with a member of the team. I was like: " HEY! that sounds like what WE are going to be like!" (not that i have anything against anybody in swordfeesh, we just have DIFFERENCES). She said that, because of that, it was very hard to be effective and joyful for God, but she just had to trust God and rely on him for strength, so that she was able to minister to the people there joyfully. It's like God was telling me not to worry, that he would come amongst us and give us strength and love to stand strong together.
And then, during class, we touched on the trust issue again. And all of a sudden, it hit me. I was not really trusting God about this- if i was, i wouldn't be worrying, would i? I really have to constantly remind myself to let go and let God, especially when i just Itch to DO something.
I really am looking forward to our mission trip, for several reasons.
i want to go there to determine if i was made for missions.
i want to go there to experience missions
i want to touch the lives of the people there, and bring them to Christ.
i want us, as Swordfeesh to really BOND. when u put a group of people together for a week, you can get two results: A band of life long friends, or people who will run out of the airplane and never come back again. I hope that the former will happen, and the latter will happen only in nightmares.

dehydrated

I've just been reading my archives, and i realised that i've actually hit a spot of spiritual dryness. I mean, yeah, i still turn to God, and i still do my QT, but something's missing. That "first love" that paul accused the corinthians of lossing is lost. i've lost that spiritual enthusiasm. And i want it back. I want that exhileration that came with it, i want that peace, and i want that fervour. That burning passion to know more and more.
lately, QT has been pretty dry and uninspiring, because i have not had a QT book to go by.
Dear Lord, bring me back to you. Lord, i will seek you lord, once more, with that fervour and passion that i once did. Forgive me for growing indifferent, for not placing you utmost first in thoughts and deeds and words. Reveal your heart to me, Lord. "earnestly i seek you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water."

that sticky thing called love

love is very sticky. That's all i can describe it as. no matter how hard you try to deny it, no matter how hard you try to get rid of it, there'll always be a remnant of it left. like when you accidentally step onto a piece of bubblegum, or when you step onto a patch of melted track. no matter how frantically you scrub at it, or pick at it with your fingers, it refuses to budge.
i'm beginning to realise that love isn't something you snap your fingers and get out of. it's a long long process of facing the truth and meticulously trying, really trying to move on. But sometimes, even then, traces are left behind. and i've found that the only way to deal with those little pieces is to treat them as souveniers and look over them from time to time and laugh. maybe one day, when the time is right, something will happen.

death

I just heard that a girl around my age passed away suddenly. her heart just stopped. Somehow, hearing of someone around your age dying really jarrs you, whether you know the person or not. It's like death has just slapped you on the face. We are nothing, mere vapours that float about, unsubstantial, temporal, to dissipate at sunrise.
I've heard friends say that they don't mind dying now, because, afterall, won't we be going to heaven? There is an ounce of truth in what they say, and I, being Christian, agree with that. Our lives on the earth are merely the foreword to the eternity we will spend in heaven, yet just as the foreword determines the value of the book, our lives here will be our ticket to eternity. What we do, our actions, our choices, they will all affect what becomes of us later on. And young as we all are, we have to realise that we don't have enough time.
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of an "unlived life" to quote the Father Tuck (or whatever his name is) in Tucks Everlasting. I'm afraid that when i die, i will see all these empty spaces in my "schedule of life" that i could have used. Used to secure the salvation of another, or to ease one pain, no matter how temporal. One day, we will be judged for all we did, and what we get will be what we give. i dread facing eternity with nothing - but not just that empty-handedness that is material, but that hollow-heartedness that comes with the knowledge of a wasted life. How empty i would feel on judgement day, when i stand before God with an empty "portfolio of deeds", while all around me people bring theirs in cartloads.
Looking at my life now, i feel the urge to take an eraser and clear off all that wasted bits of life spent worrying over self, and fill it with kind thoughts and actions of others.
To the girl who has passed from this earth: thank you for your lesson on the fraility of our existence. I pray that you are in heaven, smiling at the life you left. I pray that your family will applaud heartily the life you led, and move on, leading theirs all the more wonderfully because of you.

sisters

Somehow, i can never say enough about the two bestest friends i have in all the world. And they are not my parents, either. They are my sisters. And i am not jaded enough into thinking that we are the only ones joined by such thick strands of sisterhood, that can cross time, and place. Somehow, i know that each sibling out there feels just as i do, no matter how deeply buried that love lies. For instance, i have a very dear friend of mine who LOVES to gloat over her sister. whenever she finds an area that she is better than her sister in, she will not fail to herald it to her sister with great applomb. Yet you really ought to hear her once she starts expounding on the musical virtuoso that her sister is! She will rail fore and aft about her talent, and instead of making us shake our head in this violent contradiction to her behaviour, we actually merit her praise all the more because of her criticism of her sister! Afterall, what weightage is the praise of an ardent admirer, who so thick in their haze of admiration, can barely see the person herself!
But coming back to MY best friends, i really don't know what i'd do with them. Sometimes we disagree, and sometimes we argue, but really, when times of trouble comes, there's no one i'd turn to but a sister. My sister.
Yet i myself know that at times, i don't really show my love for them, for some reason that escapes me entirely when i try to reason it rationally. Because it simply doesn't make sense to me. I mean, there are reasons that i can think of as to why we would do what we do, but they don't make sense. As we grow older, all those petty reasons seem all the more insane, and i start to wish that i had, from the start, shown my love for my sisters. Starting 15 years later is 15 times harder, because like bank accounts, we seem to hold on to the minute grudges. if i had only started a year before, i wonder how "advanced" we would've gotten by now.
i guess i can risk it and say that i am trying, but it's uphill work, and the minute i let go for a moment i slip a foot down the slope, and i have to start climbing all over again. but all the same, i think it is very worth it, because i am terrified of the day we three wake up to find ourselves alone, with only ourselves to blame.

it is finished

YAY! MPP is OVER! and we won Best bill!
The problem is that through out this week, i have been sorely neglecting my family, giving homework and projects precedence over family. I feel really bad about it, but also very frustrated. It's at times like this when i really question the role of a student. Throughout my growing up years, my parents have always stressed work before play, studying before anything (save GOd). Then as i got busier and busier, they started stressing Family over studies, and now i'm confused. There are so many wonderful, nice things that i'd love to do, but because of studies, i have to cast the thought of them aside. Is studies really so important that i have to stress myself out over it, so important that i forget what truly matters in this life? Sometimes i wonder what the world is coming to, where kids are so engrossed in society that they have no time to play. The government is breeding a generation of workaholics that can work to the wee hours of the day, that breathe coffee and treat sleep as a leisure activity to indulged in occasionally.
I think this generation of students are becoming OVEReducated, especially when i see the two china students attached to our class. They are so brilliant and so far ahead of us, yet they are unable to communicate well with people. They have been brought up in a dog eat dog world that to them, being the BEST, the BRIGHTEST is securing survival. The pursuit of knowledge has so consumed them that they forget the OTHER things in life. although they are on attachment, they barely say three words to us. when we smile at them, the give this blank, guarded expression back. Is this what we really want? A generation of isolated people who barely associate with each other?
And this situation is becoming very very real. What with condominiums with PRIVATE LOBBIES sprouting up all over the place, MP3 players that do away with the communal Hi-fi sets and computers that give us a handy front to hide behind when confronting with people.
A junior of mine's Dad just passed away very suddenly over the weekend. It comes at such a shock, that our parents aren't permanent fixtures in our lives. Which makes me all the more guilty for not spending more time with my parents. As my friend mourns for the dad that she will never hug again, never go out with again, never say "good morning, Dad" too again, i curtly tell my Dad that i am busy, too busy to go out with him. The mere thought that a day will come that he won't be there for me just scares me. Even if i don't see him much everyday, the thought that i might have to wait a life time to see him again scares me. And it makes me all the more appreciative of him.
Dear Lord, be with my poor poor junior and her mother. I pray that you will comfort her with your love, comfort her more than we will ever be able to. I pray that her mother will be able to find a better job that will enable her to support her children better, and i pray that my junior will have strength to face each day.

Lean on him

God is so truly marvelous. Everytime i think i'll snap, everytime i think that my burdens are just TOO great, he comes in and takes hold of me and holds me tight, through it all. No wonder i have a positive attitude :P
It's true, though. That God gives me a positive attitude. Cos by nature i am a melancholic-choleric, which is a higly emotionally volatile person who is proned to high highs and low lows. He's like some sort of fire within me, keeping me alive, and everytime i worry, everytime i freak out over the amount of homework i have, he comes in and gives me this peace. It doesn't happen instantaneously, but it's like giving a big big sigh. as you exhale, everything just flows out, all the frustrations and all the anxieties.
something really cool happened today. I was feeling crabby and snappy and STRESSED, and i knew if i didn't do something about it, i'd explode, so i went into the room to do quiet time. I opened the bible and flipped, just flipped, not really looking for a verse, when a verse CAUGHT my eye.
luke 12:25
"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"
isn't that a LOVELY verse? doesn't it just speak to a very stressed out person? It was like God telling me personally to let go and let God. So i went back to doing my project with a renewed heart and mind:)
Guess what? I left my bible open when i went out to do my project, and when i came back, it was flipped to this verse:
" if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, "Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you." Luke 17:6
I have faith! I know God will deliver me through the crazy jam-packed week ahead,and let me run well for Cross-country, Debate well for MPP, score well for Math and find inspiration for Faith Acts.
We are embarking on a library project in Faith acts, "we" being Jeremy, Janice and me. I can't tell you how excited i am over the prospects of this. Sure, we are pretty busy, now, but i KNOW that God will deliver us through it, especially since this is HIS plan.
I am going to start tutoring this P6 guy soon, too. Michael says he requires loads of patience, and strangely, i'm not scared, especially knowing that i am not a very patient person. i think it's because i KNOW God will be behind me, and he will guide me and help me help this boy. Normally i would look with trepidation at embarking on such a solitary mission (it's one to one tuition), but just this ONCE, i love the idea of tutoring. It's God, i tell you. He does strange and wonderful things to our hearts and minds, enabling us to do things that we would never have the strength to do. Like forgiving, forgetting, changing and being cheerful.
I can't wait to "sink in" to this huge massive pie that i've baked for myself, with some Godly guidance.
Nez hasn't replied my email... i miss Nez! But i KNOW God is protecting her, and she will always be in my heart, so yeah.

reach one more for Jesus

In the papers today, there is an article on the hit-and-run accident on farrer Road not long ago. They had this picture of the deceased, this old man aged 69. As i looked upon his kindly face, i thought- he looks just like the nice uncle that smiles at you as you walk down the street. And even as i thought that, another darker and more somber thought leapt at me. He wasn't a Christian. There was no comforting thought that he was safe with God, no firm belief that he was enjoying the riches of heaven right now. Just this sad knowledge that he was going to a place without comfort, without relief.
We didn't save that one old man, but what about the rest of these people, whom God loves so much, yet are lost, so lost, in the wilderness of satan's domain? surely they are never beyond hope, as long as they breathe, and live. We can save them, even if it is one heart changed at a time. I feel like rushing about, evangelising right now. We have to save them, because if not, they will spend all eternity burning in hell. That's the truth. Shouldn't we, then, advocate the way, the ONLY way to salvation? The non-christian friends about you- Don't you wish you could spend eternity with them?
To do:
Pray for the nice nice nice kids at Faithactz, that they may come to know God, and accept him as Christ, Lord and Saviour.
Live a Godly example, so that those who see me lives will see Christ at work within me.
Share the word of God amongst my non-christian friends.
Bring someone to church!!

Festival of Praise

I'm going for FOP again, next year! I never knew that gospel music could be so powerful!For once, i actually see the need for music in my life :P
I learnt a very very important lesson lat night. That no matter who it is, i cannot judge. No matter what they have done, no matter who they are. because we are all sinners, and because Jesus loves them. Even if the are homosexuals, prostitutes, murderers. I guess the hardest group of people to love with Christ's love is homosexuals. So i have to start working on that, first. Right after FOP, we were at the macdonald's stand near Lido when we saw these two guys wearing identical shirts, clinging on to each other. I'd love to say that i felt compassion for them, and felt the urge to rush forth and tell them that God loves them. But truth is, i felt this aversion towards the both of them. And at the back of my mind, i was thinking of this guy i knew, and wondering what i would do if i saw him walking down the street with his partner. Later on, i realised that that was what i needed to change. That quick aversion, that spontaneous reaction of rejection towards them. Next time, when people start the topic on Gay/Lesbian rights, i will not be the first one to shout NO!!! i think i will keep quiet, and then state quietly that they are just lost, and need help. yeah!
For the first time in my life, I BROKE MY CURFEW. but then again, i NEVER HAD a curfew. See, i have no life! After FOP, we went for supper, but due to jams and what not, we only reached orchard at 11:30pm, and i was supposed to be back home at 12 am. SO i called my mum and she was told me to tell her where i was right now and that she was coming to pick me up. I confess that i didn't obey my parents. In the end, i convinced them to let me stay. I ended up taking a lift in a friend's car to Coro, where mum and dad picked me up... Mum's face was black. Her first sentence was "your curfew is 12 midnight." Thankfully, my parents are reasonable, so i explained my way out of this, so much so that she wasn't angry by the time we got home. But i feel guilty for not going straight home afte FOP. Cos it was quite late already.

sheeps, goats and eternity

matthew 25:34-46
" Then the King will say to those on his right[the sheeps], 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For i was hungry and you gave me something to eat, i was thirsty and you gave me somethingto drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
... ' i tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
... ' i tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'
Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life"

I was wondering what this passage meant. I mean, pastors and preachers often quote this passage to tell us to do good to the people around us, but that doesn't seem to speak about the passage itself. It seems to me that the passage says that we will one day be judged by the deeds we do on earth. Which doesn't really make sense to me, because we've all been brought up to believe that our salvation is not gained by our good deeds, but by the grace of Jesus Christ. So i'm confused. This verse seems pretty clear cut to me, and yet i KNOW it can't possibly mean what it seems to mean, because then we'd have to WORK for our salvation. So, i'm gonna ask pastor B about this next week, cos i'm really confused. What does this passage mean?!!