ha

I was so stressed yesterday. The greatness of ALL the work before me nearly bowled me over. but. it's over. The stressed out i-feel-like-skipping-track, my-life-sucks period is over, for now. HAH!
Today's training was MUCH better! yeah, i still had that dull pain in my chest, but it was bearable! Plus, Sara has just come bacl from Tasmania, and because she hasn't trained for two weeks, she's as out of shape as i am! I'm not gloating. i seriously appreciate having someone who i can grouch about feeling icky and out of shape without feeling all small and pathetic. Plus. i have been trying Joy's technique of feeling the simple happiness of running, feeling the wind on my face, and knowing that i could go any where with the strength of my legs and "the courage of your lungs". Doesn't that appeal to you? doesn't it make you feel encouraged to know that your lungs are valiantly trying to take in oxygen for you? i'm not saying that i LOVED training. i still felt pretty limp and haggard after it, but the knowledge that it was over was so sweet! Thank you Lord for Joy!!! figuratively speaking, too.
I think people are the most interesting things on earth. They are more complex than any creature on this planet, and all the more fascinating because of that. Each person you see in a crowd has a story, and that story, whether a fairytale or a tragedy, just appeals to me. it's like people are books, and they each have their own story, but it's in reading deeper that you really get to know what the book is about. Like Animal Farm. and The Bonesetter's Daughter. And To Kill a Mockingbird. I find it funny that all my previous lit books are such dry, boring DEEP books that i decide just by looking at it's title that i don't like it . but after struggling with it for a month or so, i realise that these books truly are award winning because their portrayal of life has so many meanings, like the layers of gift wrap that make a gift more alluring. Maybe people are like that, too. The most boring look, quiet, shy, introverted people might just turn out to be the most captivating and profound people. Since we are made from the image of God, andd the image being the superficial layer that can be easily seen and recongnized, can you image what God's SOUL is like? That takes my breath away.
Genie's coming to mulan on the 9th! yay! i miss her lots, but we are all so busy we never seem to find time to go out. *bleargh*
TO DO:
pray for wisdom and time management
TRUST him.
do my projects.

three years only

I have exactly three more years to get ready for medicine school. that is freaking me out. i went online to check out the entry requirements for the Association of American Medical Colleges or some AAMC thing and i downloaded the sample test. i was freaked out, because there are basically three parts in all: physical science, verbal reasoning and biological science. Verbal reasoning was basically english, so it was pretty alright. Biological science was okay, but i'm hoping that we'll cover what ever we need to learn by then.Then, i saw physical science and i totally flipped. there was this insane question on x-rays that sounded like something i wouldn't learn in JC. which goes to show that my physics has got to buck up. i think i'll have to go to tuition, cos my school teacher does not seem to convey the basics of physics adequately for me. and the rest of the class. and level. ah well.

I have to say that i HATE skipping trainings. No, i'm not some kind of a psychotic whacker who suffers withdrawal symptoms when seated for longer than 2 hours. okay, so i do suffer from withdrawal symptoms akin to falling unconscious when i sit down for too long. But it's not like i DIE when i don't train for a week. i do die, though when i come back after missing three weeks of training. Today's training was SO EASY i can't believe i had chest/lung pain and became dizzy and had to stop. It's so stupid. I train, and i improve. then i fall sick/ go on a holiday, and when i come back, i'm back to square one! It's frustrating, and if God hadn't placed me in track ON PURPOSE for his great design, i'd have quit last year. Also because i'm egoistic and can't bear the thought that i actually quit at something. I think i have some ego disease or something, that makes me NEVER give up, even though i've well passed the point where most sensible people actually DARE to quit. But part of me knows God wanted me in track, and i am determined to find out just what. Maybe he's preparing me for something BIGGER and more patience-trying, determination-taking, physically-exhausting experience ahead. Things don't just happen by accident, neither is it just Bad Luck. For some reason, God wants me in track. maybe it's so that i could meet joy, this wonderful christian senior whose determination and will power and Godliness has inspired me so so much. When she knew that i was a christian and that i was depressed about training, she wrote this wonderful note that has encouraged me so much. She's right, i do have to find the simple joy of running again.

Lord, help me to persevere no matter what. Help me to do my utmost best to study for the end-of-years, and help me to train up for this year's X-country, or for the NZ adventure camp. Help me to run the race with all my might, and help me to always seek you for comfort and joy and peace, even as i try to follow your will. Help me to "be joyful always" and be a light unto the world.

ice princess

I once hated feelings. they seemed so transcient. One minute you feel so high and light,lke a feather adrift in a breeze, the next minute you get knocked down by a word, a phrase, an action. I hated being powerless, being unable to control my tears, my anger, my pain. Everytime i got angry i'd cry, and hate myself as i glared through the glistening tears fast gathering in the corners of my eyes. I thought that if i got rid of all the emotions, i'd get rid of all the hurt. But what i didn't realise was that the more i tried to control my feelings by keeping a wall around me, the more terrifying i became. i became cold. as if nothing could hurt me, and nothing could make me cry. but i learnt that having ice in your eyes instead of tears wasn't so comfortable, and after you let loose the facade, what's inside is still that raw hurt.
I don't know when i stopped. BUt i know i must have, because i can feel each emotion running through me. That quick pulse of delight at the sight of the sky, that surge of glee as i licked an ice cream. that solitary blue of loneliness and the dull grey of sorrow. Emotions, i realised, were human's way of being illogical, impulsive and creative. Imagine a world without emotions, where everything was bland and tasteless and flat. The fact that animals have emotions just goes to show just how much God valued feeling. He wanted us to use emotion as a form of worship. He wanted us to appeal to him throughout every colour of pain, every sound of joy and every surge of anger.
It isn't easy to accept that pain and anger are part of life. It isn't easy to feel lost and out of control. But i guess it does remind me of just how much i depend on God for comfort. That through it all, he's in charge.

first day of the term!

I love school! serious. Although it's tough and i find myself on the verge of stoning in most classes, i do like to be among my peers and question my teachers to death. Today, we had a guest speaker from Makansutra for our IP talk that we have every two weeks. He just goes to show that you don't have to have a college degree to succeed. What you DO need is talent and skill and entrepreneurship. After all, his company is a "food company that doesn't sell food". i mean, who would have thought to conduct FOOD tours in Singapore, or have guides to all the LOVELY food all around Asia?
although this doesn't have anything much to do with my accountability blog, i shall indulge in ranking my teachers according to my preference.
1. Mr Kuo. he is the BESTEST BEST chem teacher you could ever ever get! He's funny, and most importantly, he allows me to ask ANY question i have for him. if he doesn't know, he'll even let us check it up on the web. He inspires me to question what i learn instead of simply absorbing it like limestone whilst all my nutrients seep out. A major PLUS is that he is pro-nanyang and anti-cheena high, even though he's an old boy! jokingg. it's just very funny to see him rail about his whimpy juniors.
2. Ms Lee. She is so knowledgeable that it hurts. Serious. she knows about everything under the sun (and even some areas where the sun doesn't shine). She makes these fabulous bio diagrams that make studying so much easier, and has all these concept maps for revision. Plus, she's nice and understanding and gives us very very little take home homework, and very little homework at all!
3.Mrs Kuan!!!! She's our s.s teacher, and she's very motherly and cool about S.s. she's the first teacher who has admitted that S.s IS propaganda. She makes lessons very fun, and she didn't scold us when our debate on "the government is a neccessary evil" went horribly awry because the mtion didn't make sense and my side had all the points so we had to help the other side come up with really weird and random points. HOW does a government BE a neccesary evil? it's illogical. If it's neccessary, it can't possibly BE evil because that would not make sense. And even if there are some cases where that is possible, pray tell, what points could you possibly bring up to PROVE that the government is evil?
4.all the rest of my teachers. Okay, fine, i wimped out at going any further than this... who knows, i might end up failing some random subject if i did... but most of my teachers really care about us, and that's what really matters, right? Their teaching styles and techniques are all very unique and different, and so it isn't very possible to rate them without a certain amount of bias getting in the way...
BUT Mr Kuo is really a miracle worker. my chemistry used to be kinda horrid... but now...
Thank God for all the lovely teachers that i have. Help me not to get on their nerves too much by asking seemingly stupid and out of point questions. And help me NOT to stone during classes, and remember to bring lesson materials.

HURRAY!

REJOICE in the Lord always and again i say rejoice!
God is just AMAZING. When you give up your problems to him, he really works it out for you, no matter how knotty and troublesome and TANGLED it can be! I ADORE you Lord.
Yeah, you know my weekend dilemma? it has *poof* been dissolved by God! serious! so now, i will be spending time with my family in sentosa, but i willl be able to pop around the island to do homework and discuss projects! I can't believe it. it's just so so amazing. How is it that I can get so worked up and frustrated over this seemingly HUGE problem, and when i "lay it at the alter" of God, he just takes it and throws it into a furnace and everything works out in minutes!
I am so grateful for my family. I'll have to speak in TONGUES to commmunicate just how grateful i am to him for them. I mean, they are so understanding! They actually listen, and try to solve your problem. Of course, you actually have to talk nicely to them, but if God is with you, who can be against you?
And my oldest sister. I'm so inspired by how much she's grown in the Lord over these past few years. Lord, you say "ask and it will be given to you". So Lord, i ask that i too may be able to speak in tongues. I know you don't have to have it to be spiritual. In fact, it is just a side. But sometimes, i get this yearning to express my LOVE for God, that paltry and stingy words cannot shape an adequate offering. I wantt my soul to communicatee that yearning to you Lord.
I know what i just wrote is controversial. But Lord, i don't really care anymore. So help me to support my sister as she grows so strong and convicted in her faith. Help her to seek you all the days of her life, Lord, and help us all to grow with her, encouraging her. Lord, is this what you mean by kinship in Christ? to feel spiritually close to each other? if it is, Lord, i ask that i may experience more of it each day, that YOUR hand-picked family will GROW each day. Help us all at TTb to seek you fervently Lord.
Lord my soul longs to praise you with adequate words, but i'm so unworthy.
To you i surrender.

chasing dreams

I have a set of very unusual parents.
While most parents nag and push their kids to do better, my parents leave all the pushing to me. When i was younger that didn't really matter because i was a nerd. Or rather, i had an unusual habit of reading science guidebooks for leisure. But now, when msn and blogging and reading and the general act of "hanging out" gets in the way of my goal, i fervently wish for a set of naggy, pushy pair of parents (all those who have naggy,pushy parents sock me now). I mean, must be the only kid on the planet who BEGS not to go on a holiday. I mean, who wouldn't want to spend the ENTIRE holiday speeding around europe sightseeing, leaving behind mountains and mountains of homework to the last minute so that you come back to be doubly stressed? MEEEEE.
And after just returning from the GREAT UK TRIP, my mum wants me to spend the next weekend on a tiny island off the west coast of malaysia sunbathing and relaxing. And of course, forget the fact that most of my projects are due in a matter of a month. I can really kick back and enjoy the vast expanse of water before me without wishing to drown myself in it. i want to get my priorities right. and they are clear to me. GOD. Family. School. But darn, no one said i'd ever have to compromise my results, my future, my classmate's stress levels just so i can KICK BACK AND RELAX. I don't wish to be selfish. But in the end, i'll lose out, either way. Either my older sister doesn'tt get the full package of a "Family holiday", or my friends don't get all four quarters of the brains behind our projects.
God, please, please, please help me. How do i tell my family i'd rather spend time alone at home doing HOMEWORK than go out and have fun with them? And Lord, i really wish i could give jie the holiday she so badly deserves. PLease do something, or send some help, so that everything will work out for good. And lord, no matter what happens, give me a positive attitude to accept YOUR will, because i know that you will use every tiny experience of mine for moulding me.

TO DO:
spend this entire week working hard.
NO MSN. except to discuss projects. dear lord, please give me the strength NOT to talk to my friends.
Spend time with jie andd spill my guts :D
Take jie jie lessons from jie :)

walking through the fog

Ever wish you knew what was right ahead of you? Ever feared to know the future less it should contain volumes of tragedy and shards of shattered dreams? I wish i could look ahead of time, to preempt any disappointments and change my goals.
To most of my friends, i am a focused, goal-driven girl who knows exactly where she's headed. What they don't know is the countless number of times i regret announcing my ambition to the whole wide world, for fear of disappointing them. Almost my whole life has revolved around my ambition. Since i was really young, i've known what i want to be. it was my one goal. Why do you love science? Cos i want to be a doctor. Why leave your old school, best friends? Cos i want to be a doctor. WHy choose triple science? I want to be a doctor. And now, 10 or so years after i first set that lofty ambition, i'm beginning to wonder if i actually have the substance for it. I wonder if i'll ever make it. i fear failure. i fear disappointment. But most of all, i fear staring into a future devoid of a goal, lost and unsure.
I remember a similar fear that grips me when i stand at the edge of the flying fox tower . i fear the fall, and so i hesitate. i screech to a halt and my mind goes blank. And then i remember the rope attached to me. And that one assurance lets me walk of the platform, lets me take this "huge" step forward that takes me on an exhilarating journey. And i look back, and laugh at my fear. sure, i fell. But that fall proved that i was safely held by the rope, and the fall enabled me to move on.
Funny, huh? how a silly little activity like Flying fox can solve the huge headache of an uncertain future. In the course of writing what started to be a woe-ridden account of my one fear, it turned into a self-inspirational story that makes me smile at the great "leap" to come.
I still want to be a doctor. And i still have a tiny bit of fear that i will not make it. But when the ttime comes, and i have to take a fall, i know that it'll only be the preliminary dip to an exhilarating journey that will take me past my wildest expectations. Because i have an awefully strong can-carry-two-heffalumps rope. I have Jesus Christ. And so even if i leap off the platform, or roll off it, i'll always land safely.

people say "courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to overcome it"
that makes me a coward.
Christ says: "Trust in the Lord you God"
that makes me christian.

so i'm walking through the fog, yes. but i'm holding on to a rope, and it's leading out of this fog, into the eternal light of heaven.

i'm forever grateful

I was reading a post i wrote before i left for England, where i wondered if God was bringing me to England for some special reason.
And looking back on my trip, i think i have found that special reason, and i am so so glad that i went on this trip, although it means cramming work. Because i experienced God in such a real and beautiful way during that trip that i can only sigh at the amazing God that is being revealed more to me each day.
From the moment i set foot on the lush green shores of Great Britian, i had this obsession with wanting to see Lavender. I wanted to experience what my math tuition teacher had experienced while tuoring in province, France - a field of Lavender. Before the trip, Lavender was a symbol, albeit a personal one, of the best times of my life, spent last summer in CTSS. To me, they symbolised the tranquility and sweetness of those bygone days, when i could relax sitting strident on the oak tree, or go for rambles round the stately courtyards of Trinity College. It reminded me of the many many wonderful friends i had made there; its clusters of buds clumped neatly together reminded me of us, grouping together as one, going about busily, happily. So i set out to find a field of Lavender, but as the days wore by and fields of buttercups rolled by without a hint of purple in its depths, i began to think that perhaps Lavender fields were confined to agriculture-rich france.
Then, one day, after driving for hours, we reached a road block. My parents decided to take the tourist's guidebook's advice and "get lost" in the wild countryside of England, so we took a right turn and followed the sign post towards "snowshill". after journeying for several minutes along a narrow, hilly road, we saw a sign "snowshill- LAVENDER" my heart leaped a mile upwards only to rocket down again, as i thought:" it's probably a B&B" Nonetheless, the name was too alluring for us to resist and we decided to check it out. looking out of my window, i caught the first glimpse of my wildest fantasies- a field of the gentlest purple, beckoning us forwards.
Standing in that field of purple (it was a herb farm), i marveled at God's wonderful grace. He didn't have to show me this field of Lavender. It was just some foolish fantasy of mine. Yet he was so kind as to pamper me and give me my heart's desire. At that moment, in those fields, i realised just how GOOD it was to be God's child. How wonderful and humbling it was too belong to such a GREAT, MARVELOUS, GENEROUS God.
So now, Lavender doesn't just mean "the best time of my life". it also means "GOD loves ME!!!!!!" and "GOD is GREAT". it means that God will fulfill my wildest fantasies, if they are in line with his will. But most importantly is that it means that he listens, truly listens, to the quietest whispers of my heart, and hears not only what i say to him in prayer, but he hears my soul.
With a God like that, i think anyone would wish that we could be righteous, just so that it may please him.
Because you are my King, Lord, no matter how impossible my dreams seem to be, no matter how dark my future ever becomes, i know that you will be with me, and that you will provide exceedly, abundantly, and amazingly.
Having such a wonderful Creator makes me want to scale Mt Everest and stand on itt's top and proclaim the Lord's name. Because he is so good, and he loves us ALL so much. If any of us would just turn to him, he'd lift us up so so high, and we would NEVERe be alone again.

seeing the world with through Christ

I've always wondered how we are to view the world.
As a christian, that is.
I mean, how are we to find the balance between not being "of the world" and yet not being aloof, proud and judgemental?
For some lucky folk like my older sister, they can easily find the balance. they are endowed with the amazing and wonderful ability to look past the faults of the people around them and see what's good, what's true and what's pure, and love them for those sweet and wonderful parts of them. People like them were made to comfort the world, and to be examples to people like me. I think i belong to the class of people who float through life deluding herself about the faults of others only to find out and feel all hurt and betrayed. According to my mother, i belong to the class of "highly sensitive" people. And it is true, though i am beginning to change, thanks to daily devotion, post-its and friends. And the countless role-models that are peppered throughout my life that make me see what i can be, and what God wants for me.
So i am beginning to learn the Art of gem-hunting. To look at humanity and see it's faults, but not judge it, but instead to treasure the small flecks of goodness that catch the sun and make a plain rock alluring. It's just like gold panning. You stand in the river and sift the dirt away, just for that teeny weeny bit of pure gold inside. And just think, a small amount of gold can make life rich, whereas it would take a whole lot of dirt to harm you.
I guess it would be easier just to angst away in a small corner and cry, hating the world for it's faults, and wishing that we could go thorugh life unscathe by the "fiery dartsof the devil". But i thought about doing that and realised that i would be rather stupid to do that. Cos if i were to curl up into a ball, and aht the world, all that hate would just build up in me, and one day i'd implode, or explode from the stress of keeping so much grudges. i mean, it's like being mad 24 hours... and that's like volatile. you'd be like this huge boulder rolling down a slope, and everyone would just run away from you. Then you'd get even more hurt that people were ignoring you and it'd just go on and on until you commit suicide. And when you do, you'll go to hell and spend eternity regreting that you'd spent your life hating the world.
From the biblical point of view, the key to being joyful always would be to view the world through the eyes of Christ. And to do it the "Christ way" would be to love. not the BGR love, but the all encompassing, compassionate kind that makes you decide not to squish the ant crawling up your leg but to flick it off as gently as possible. That's a little hard to do when the ant has just bitten you, but it makes you shake yoru head in sheer admiration at what Christ did, doesn't it? We end a frienddship after a friend hurts our feelings, or "betrays" us. But Christ not only forgave us for scorning him, mocking him and TORTURING him, he even died for us. it's like being mauled by your pet dog and begging your mum not to kill it. except ten thousand times more wonderful. Which makes our petty hurts and pains seem so trivial and insignificant. And makes me want to try so much harder to love the people around me, no matter what they say or do.
Do i have the courage to just LOVE and LOVE and LOVE? Do i even have the ability to do it? I highly doubt it.
But i do have a Christ who does. and as he says "for my power is made pefect in weakness", i shall cling on to him with all my might, that i may draw strength from him and not fall into the devil's trap.
Have you ever hear the phrase "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"? i guess it is true. no matter how hurtful it is when you "fall out of love", if you just bear with it, there'll be a day where you can look back, past all that hurt, to see the wonderful times you had had. And a big plus is that you learn to discern the real thing later on in life.

To do:
LOVE
Forgive
Forget
Do finish all my homework... cheerfully.

whoopee!

i'm coming home! muahahaha. i am officially sick of travelling from place to place and cannot wait to sleep in my comfy loft bed with MY pillow! okay, the trip wasn't so bad. but. i think GOD IS SERIOUSLY giving me a lesson on patience. because in london, my patience has been so so so sorely tried. bleargh. i think i am not a city girl or something, but the london tube is so different from our comprehensive mrt. plus, it isn't all scary rickety, emittung creeking, groaning sounds each time it starts and stops, and THE LIGHTS FLICKER when it enters a tunnel, so for a few seconds, the train goes dark.
okay, so i am whining. but you would if you weren't able to sleep till 4am this morning and had to get up at 7am. note to self: NEVER try to stay in a youth hostel in london. there is absolutely no ventilation.
when i am happy in front of my own com at home, i shall expound on all the wonderous experiences God has shown us... if i write about it now, it's come out all wrong and short and curt.
God, help me to survive the 24 hours of travelling home in front of me. please don't let me have a nervous breakdown midflight. remind me of your grace each time i feel pissed off and murderous. joking.

england!

i've been in england for three days now, and i don't think i've quite gotten used to it! it's far more beautiful then any country i've ever seen, what with it's rich culture and history that Australia and America hasn't got! i've made up my mind to read up on english architecture when i get back. God's been so good during this trip, i just can't express it enough!the highlights so far have been cotswold, stow-on-the-wold, snowshill, oxford, and a lot alot of pretty viollages that we've drtived throuh. i miss church, and i miss you all!

props my eyes open

HELLO!
i am in changi arport, using the lousy computer at terminal. i am so so so tired, and we still have a hour to go before we can board the plane.
we need your prayers: we do not have a fixed boking for our hotelin Dubai! imagine if we can't find a place to rest for the night.. what a ol experience that will be! but maybe not... not if it will be anythig like i am going through now. i fell asleep while pushing the luggage trolley and nearly walked into two pillars, my mother and thebugy that was travelling past me. NOTE to self: even though it is duty-free in te airport, itis VERY EXPENSIVE. i can hardly keep my eyes open, and mycontact lenses are drying up. i have approximately 1o minutes left to finish this entree, which i am typing pain stakenly slowly because the keyboard has been punished so hard by previous users that it is no longer sensitive to the touch, unless you punch the keys with brute force like i am doing now. I think i am starting to look forward t the trip... it's a bit late, but at least i am starting to feel positive about it! i can't wait to walk in the gardens of London and see those amazing amazing castles! but most of all, i want to walk into a field of lavender and pluck some sprigs to season my bible at home, and dream of trinity and CTSS. i still have the sprig of lavender that i plucked on the last day of camp, although the scent's almost gone now. i feel so so sad, cos i'll be missing worship for TWO sundays! how i yearn to be in GOd's presence again, surrounded by fellow worhsippers, with the freedom and ease to go down on my knees! i think that one day, i shall gather up my courage to dance, or run around the sanctuary like i feel like doing everytime i worship. Going down on you knees is worshipful, but DANCING, now that is PRAISE.
i am lloking forward to the peace and repose of england. good night singapore, i shal miss your food, your weather, but most of all, i shall miss my friends, and the church beside commonwealth mrt that is MY church.

seeing the plank in my eye

I have decided that i am a self-centred egoistic girl and shall try my hardest to be less of both.
This profound revelation hit me at around 1 am last night, while talking on msn. most of my statements, it seemed, started with and "I..." followed by some personal anecdote that applied to the conversation. Looking at the situation, one realises that the ideal state of a volley conversation is where there is equal participation of both parties, where one listens attentively while the other talks. with thiss piece of information in mind, one is able to recall the unpleasantness of an unequal conversation where the other party involved was unable to get a word in edge-wise. i am talking funny because of sleep deprivation due to insomnia and interesting conversation last night. Plus the nice show called Lost that ended pretty late. And the worry of undone homework. The last mentioned factor further resulting in my early rising at 8am, although the nature of one's headache causes one to wish that one had exceeded one's wake up time by more than one hour instead.

The four lost boys have been found! *cheers*
It goes to show that GOd is truly the God of faith and hope, and the God of mercy.
But most importantly, it goes to show that our prayers are heard!
Jeremy Tio's mother, presumably mrs Tio had prayed for her son's return most fervently one assumes, and guess what?
God answered!

things to do:
-remember psalms 103:10-12
he does not treat us as our sins deserve,
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are from the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
- do finish my einstein poster - Thank God for einstein, but Lord, please help me love my physics teachers!
- do finish my math tuition homework - Dear Lord, forgive me for procrastinating, but PLEASE help me finish it.
- pack my luggage AGAIN- Please let the weather in england be kind cos i don't have enough pants
- pray for a safe journey without hiccups. literally and figuratively.
- pray for good weather on sunday, for the swordfeesh outing
- pray for the state of my mental health.
-most importantly, pray that i will change and become more Christ-centred and less self-centred

tacklecamp

This is all Tze Horng's idea.
Having an accountabilitty blog, that is.
Which is why a) it is so plain
and b) i'm actually having one.
i know i ought to go to blogskins.com and filtch off someone else's blog, but honestly, i doubt if i'll have the skill and patience to edit it.
so i'm sticking to a nice, green, simple one.

i just have to shout and sing and dance.
God is so great, so good, and so so so amazing.
i can't believe that i'm so blessed, i actually have the privilege to stand in his presence, and talk to him like i would a father.
i think that "great change" happened on the second and last night of camp.
Pastor B's message on being radically changed struck something, in me.
For the first time in a long long time, i yearned and longed to be in his presence, to be anointed by him.
And then i felt so wretched. i mean, i've sinned so much, i've delibrately turned away formr QT so many times, i've placed him last each day, when i was too tired to listen, too tired to really absorb.
And when worship started, and Jonas told us to worship in the way we felt most comfortable, i just HAD to go on my knees. i felt so peaceful, so JOYOUS, and yet, in a way, so wretched and humbled. i thank God for reminding me what it is like to be in his presence, to actually feel him there, inside me, beside me, surrounding me.
After that, i was just intoxicated witht joy. i never ever want to step out of God's presence. it's so sweet, so wonderous to be there, enveloped by Christ's sweet fragrance.

psalms 63:1
O God, you are MY God,
Earnestly i seek you,
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

I also learnt to TRUST GOD. just trust him with the simple faith that everything would right itself, and that everything was happening for some great, divine purpose. LORD. i love u. Thank you for showing me that your way is truly the BEST way, and that no other way will ever lead me to the JOY yu have stored for me. Even though i am sad that Nez was not able to share with me the joy of the Lord in this camp, i realise that God was teaching me to take that leap of faith, even without close friends by my side. had Nez been there, i'd have undoubtedly stuck to her. In her absence, i made wonderful friends with so many people that i would never have cared to know, in my small and claustrophobic world where i cling to the nearest and dearest around me, and forsake all others. i realised that truly, in each person, there is something to be learnt from, there is something to admire, and something to aspire to become.

And i've realised another important thing. I LOVE my sister more than words can say. I love her so so much, and yet we fight, we quarrel over the simplest things. In this camp, God somehow gave me the strength and the love to look past her faults to see the girl that i love, the bubbly, cheerful, friendly, attractive, beautiful, athletic and taller girl that i often miss when i am angry. God made me see that so many younger siblings merely crave that same love, simple words of affection, words of encouragement, words that build up and strengthen. They just want someone to be proud of them, tot show them off to their friends, to make an effort to take care of their friends, to do some small and menial task for them, to take care of them, pop in to say good night. these past three days, when God removed my consciousness and constrain and allowed me to show the love i feel, i've felt so blessed to ahve such a wonderful sister, someone to be proud of. I wish i could share with the world how simple, how easy it is to show what you feel, to LOVE. i'm not preaching, because i have no right to preach. i can't foresee the future, where i might say something hurtful to hurt those i love. But i can only aspire to live day by day, trusting in the Lord to renew my love for my sister, each day. because i never want to return to the days of "before", where my sister wrote on her cupboard "I HATE ALYCIA". i don't want her to rub it off now, because to me, it's become a reminder of what could happen if i didn't let my love for her shine through. I don't care what the world thinks of my radical ideas. because it doesn't matter anymore. what matters is that i speak "boldly and without hindrance" about the love and joy God has showed me.

i will:
keep up this accountability blog
memorise verses from psalms
LOVE my sister
seek God each and everyday, that he might become a constant whisper in my ear.

so blessed

I just recieved my first comment!
And sherreen, you made me sound so wise and good, but truth is, i'm not. I've just been so so so blessed. I've got two lovely sisters (the previous previous blog refers to my younger sister, btw), a doting father and a caring mother. But more than that, i've got a Abba Father who's here, in me, and it is God who gives me my words and my love. I am really a very naughty girl, who does love to gripe and grumble, and who can never see just how blessed i am! I never got round to thanking all my friends at CTSS, did i? Sherreen, this is just for you: i thought your poem was beautiful, and i hope you continue writing, no matter what challenges or criticism you will one day face. Because the beauty in writing isn't really about style, form or technique, but it is in the representation of the writer's thoughts, feelings and beliefs that make a writing memoriable. Poetry is a poet's soul placed on paper and moulded into the strokes of a pen. This is what i think great writing is, which is why i don't really agree with my lit teacher and often lose out in exams. It's not the outside that matters, but the core, the essence of it. And as long as your poetry reflects the beauty of human nature (faults, errors and failings included), then it is a work of art.
so thank you for your praise, and thank you for blessingg me with your friendship. though i can't accept the praise, i will aspire to live up to it, and i will pray everyday that i will be worthy of true, lovely and wonderful friends like you. I thank God for bringing me to CTSS, and letting me know all you fine older sisters and brothers. And sherreen, if you know what i mean, i finally am able to say "no regrets". Because he taught me a precious lesson on self-expression, one which makes every artist unique and different. so ROCK ON, you hear?
love, alycia

trust him

Day 2:
i suppose i had better publish more entrees while i am in Singapore, before i *poof* disappear for a couple of days.
I suppose everybody is sighing in envy when i tell them i'm going on a holiday, but guess what? If i couldd break my leg to escape going, i think i just might do it. because i have approximately 9 days to do ALL my holiday homework. So it's in times like this that i really have to trust God. For some reasons that i cannot fanthom right now, he wants me to go to England. Somewhere in his divine map for my life, he wants me to take this route. so i just have to cling blindly on to this thread of hope that everything turns out for good because God's in charge, and rush ALL my projects today. Perhaps, in my holiday, he shall teach me the true meaning of "find rest my soul, in Christ the Lord" and teach me to cast all my cares and worries on him. And maybe, on the way, he might just teach me what it means to sacrifice a little peace of mind and a little time to spend with the ones i love, because i have been neglecting my parents dreadfully. Bah.
psalms 9:1-2
i will praise you O Lord, with All my heart,
I will tell of all your wonders.
i will be glad and rejoice in you;
I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.
to do:
PRAY that i finish ALL my homework
have a positive outlook about going to England "be joyful in affliction" :D
Concentrate on my homework- ask God for focus
Pack my bible
memorise psalms