showers of blessing

I feel as if the rain has just stopped, and everything around me looks freshly scrubbed, gleaming with droplets of water that refuse to flow off. Although this isn't the end of all my sorrows and pain, i think i can safely say that the cheerful alycia is back!
If there's one lesson i've learnt from this "down-and-out" period, it's that GOd takes every opportunity to draw us closer to him, especially when we are weak, vulnerable and in need of help. It's this thought that comforts me, through up times and down times, the thought that God is a very sticky friend, a friend who will always be there for me, no matter what happens. so no matter what happens to me, i will pop up again like a daisy, because i have him with me.
i have a prayer request:
Please pray that GOd will help me find a way to change tuition dates to saturday, so that i can attend swordfeesh prayer meetings every friday night. I really need my math tuition, but i also think it's very important to go for prayer meeting, especially with our mission trip coming up so soon.

you lifted me out of the depths

psalm 30:1-3
I will exalt you, O lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
O Lord my GOd, i called to you for help
and you healed me.
O Lord, you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.

Never has a psalm spoken so much to me.Perhaps because i seldom read psalms, yet somehow, this passage seems made for situations akin to what i am going through now. God is so wonderful, words cannot express just how much he means to me. Whenever i stray, or whenever i hit rock bottom, he's always there, with his arms outstretched, for me to run, for comfort and guidance. Last night, when i was crying, he sent my younger sister in, to comfort me. Both of us are not touchy-feely people, yet there we were, clinging on to each other. And the marvelous thing is, SHE was comforting me. But it's not just that. God gave me the answer to my problem. As i was crying, and begging Lord to help me, he brought a verse into my mind.

" Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." philipians 4:6

So i prayed. i prayed for God to solve my problem because I was absolutely powerless and despairing. I prayed for strength, to live from day to day in his light. but mostly, i thanked God for being there for me when i hit rock bottom, and i thanked him for his unending love, and his Bible, his truth, that allowed me to know him.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." philipians 4:7

That night, amidst all the pain and confusion, i had one clarity, and one hope: God would see me through it, and everything would be all right. It was like my being, my soul, was infused with a certain sort of calm that was uplifting. That ball of pain that was inside of me had dissipated, and God's love, his warmth spread through me. It's like slipping into a warm bath, and you feel all your limbs loosen, and all you muscles relax, and even though you can't control your body's movements, you aren't worried, you relax as the water carries you, and lulls you to sleep.

Something's happened, and all of a sudden my world's crumbled, and everything is just one big hurt. It's like you can't stone any more, every second your mind isn't engaged on something else, it get's sucked into that black hole and starts dwelling on the matter, dwelling, dwelling, and the mroe you dwell on it the more it seems to consume your life. I dread another day, and yet i can't wait for tomorrow to come, that hazy tomorrow when things will go back to the sunshine-and-meadow days.
The worst thing of everything is that i can't tell any of it to anyone, and so it just grows and grows, and i feel like a balloon, swelling from all this pain, and i know that soon, very soon, i will pop. I think i might have popped already, and in fact, i nearly nearly did, but then God came into my mind and gave me that slice of consciousness that stopped me from my course of action. I've never felt so out of control, i've never felt so lost. I go about, living this useless pantomine of a normal life, but inside me, i'm corroding. i don't know how to stop my world from crashing about my ears. All i can do is cling to God, and even then, i find it very hard at times not to let go, give up and retreat into a dark, quiet space forever.
For the first time, i wish i were blind so i did not have to see. i wish i were deaf so i needn't hear. i wish everything would just stop. But everytime i even think of making things stop, God stops me. And it's so hard to listen to that small voice inside of me, and yet i do, because i don't want to lose my soul.
Heavenly father, i give u my life cos i don't want it anymore. i don't. Do what you want to me, Lord. Just get me out of this mess. Please.
The funny thing is, i can go for weeks without alot of sleep, months with alot of pressure. But when one thing like this comes along. i'm paralysed. i'm incapacitated. My life is a blank page with one big smear across it.

grudges

i've been holding on to a grudge for the longest time, and i think it's about time i let go.
Looking back, how much easier would life have been if i had just let it go way earlier, and got on with life. In fact, holding a grudge seems vaguely foolish, now. Yet, i find it very hard to forget it, especially when i deal with it every week. How do you tell yourself to trust again, knowing very well that you just might get hurt again? i've been talking to my friends, and i realised that the key to really truly letting go is to trust in God for the future. I don't know what will happen in another minute, but i know it is part of some carefully orchestrated plan of God's. in a way, that makes it easier for me to let go, because i know that God will never let the devil tempt me past my own limits, nor will he let me come to harm unless it's part of a bigger, better plan. And even though it's really really hard to try to forget, i will, because I want to be liberated from the cares and worries that come with nursing a grudge. i want to SMILE, and DANCE, and prance around as carefree as bambi, and be totally innocent of the evils of this world. I am being gullible because i'd rather NOT doubt what someone says. Because i want people to believe in me, i will believe in them. And because i'd want people to give me a second chance, i think it's only fair, right and logical to give others a second chance. And a third. And a fourth, fifth, sixth. until 77x7th. But i doubt that day will ever come.
To do:
Forgive ______. ( i copied joash's idea of keeping ppl annoynomous so as to protect them)
Forget all the bad stuff that people do/say, when they are not being themselves
Try not to do bad stuff, so that my 77x7 times of forgiveness wont expire.

*angst*

Everytime i am severely tempted to gripe and groan and moan and whine about life,my conscience gives me this big poke in my side. And i realise that the less i moan about life, the better life seems to be. For example, because i tend to like taking a positive attitude towards life, everytime my friends complain about their lives, i think "thank goodness my life isn't as bad as theirs... mine can be silently borne...their's can't". And it's true. all around me, i have friends who have terribly stressed out lives, i can't help but feel very thankful for the life i have, which is only stressful in bouts. Besides, at least i have some measure of choice in my life. unlike some people, i have freedom of speech, freedom of expression and freedom in general.
But even if i don't have all the above mentioned, i do have the freedom of choice. i can choose to look at life as full of opportunities for things to get better, or a a steep decline into hell. It's like the metaphor of being dragged to the hangman's noose. you haven't got a choice to live or die, but you have the choice as to how you are going to meet death. you can face it with dignity and quiet acceptance, or you can struggle and cry all the way.which brings me to something else. You know how in the bible, it says that everything goes according to God's will? And yet it also mentions that God gave us a mind of our own to make our own decisions? For ages, it has always seemed imposiibly contradictory and illogical. How can you have freedom of choice, yet be doing someone's will?
But when i rethink it, it actually makes sense. God let's us do the ultimate choosing, the making of decisions. He won't force us to do something. He won't like, put an imperius curse on you (see, you learn stuff from harry potter too)and make you follow his will, he gives you the choice to follow his will. However, he is a most convincing persuader, simply because his will is always the best for us, so that somehow, you end up choosing HIS way. Just like persuading Jonah to preach to the ninevites, GOd persuades us to do his will. In the end, it's still best to accept his will and follow it with a positive mindset, seeing as to that rejection only brings about terrifying experiences inside whales.
To do:
Listen to that still small voice in me.
destress. i think i need to schedule a black out day

joy!

Joy got 2nd!!!!!!!! YAY. YAY. YAY!
Joy deserves it. she really does. She's been a real inspiration to us ALL, especially me. I remember when i was in one of my "i hate track" phases, and i REALLY wanted to quit. But then Joy said something that made me think, and rethink quiting track. She wrote me a post card, and in it, she told me of how she too had once hated track, but when she realised that the joy of running was in feeling the wind against you, and feel your heart pumping, your lungs expanding, and your legs hit the track rythmically. Although she said it in a way nicer way that inspires me everytime i warm up, or run any distance longer than 400m.

friends forever

I've been looking back on these past few years, and i realise that God has given me so many wonderful people in my life, i feel like a glutten to be trying to snatch them all towards me, even though it's time i moved on.
Inez: well, what can i say? Although i've known her for almost my entire life, i only began to appreciate her when genie left. She's my spiritual friend, and together, we battle cryptic passages and bible verses. Not to mention, when I are down and discouraged and BLUE, she writes me these post-it notes that really encourage me. It's nice to have one christian friend amidst the multireligious community of Nanyang, because she understands the reasons behind some of my actions, and even joins me in some of them. Like not participating in "Hungry", a theatresque production on suicide. Maybe that's why God took Genie out of my life when he did, so that i would realise what a good friend Nez was, before it was too late. These past five months, knowing that she was leaving soon, i have learnt to appreciate just what it means to have a good Christian friend. and no matter what, Friends Forever!! which is true. Even if we die before we see each other again, we'll see each other in heaven!!! That sounded morbid,but if you actually think of what it means, you'll see that it isn't. that means that if we both grow up in different continents and grow apart, we will still be able to see each other, one day! can you imagine how much we'll have to say to each other? we'll spend every friday afternoon for the next 3 decades, catching up on what has happened.
Talking about seeing my friends in heaven makes me feel all the more urgent about getting all my non-christian friends to Christ. Like the song Deborah Fung sung in church called "Eternity", i want to spend eternity with the people i love, and it terrifies me that not all of them will be there.
To do:
Speak boldly, but gently, to my non-christian friends about Christ
invite them to format X!!

Thy will be done

I was just reading my diary, and i realised that God is so good.
When something terrible happens, our first reaction is naturally that of shock, disbelief and possibly that of anger. How could this be happening? Why is this happening? Yet no matter how often we cry out, the answer doesn't often come at us till much later.
When my best friend transferred to another school last year, i suffered an identity crisis. have you ever been half of a pair, only to have to stand on your own two feet for once? Well, if you haven't it actually feels quite horrible, not a little frightening and extremely lonely. In school, i felt like i didn't fit in anymore, as if my "link" to school life had evaporated when the three of us (claire, genie and I) got seperated. And then my jie went to australia to study, and when she did, i lost my closest confidante and counsellor. In march, Nez told us she was going to america. All at once, it seemed like all the "pillars" of my existance were being stripped away. best friend, sister, close (and oldest) friend. Just who did God expect me to rely on? I was angry at God for doing this to me, out of the blue. I mean, why now? why all at one go? But then this small voice at the back of my head told me that maybe God wanted to teach me to rely on HIM. Talk about tough lesson, but yet, what choice did i have? So i started learning to rely on him, to trust him, that he was doing what was best for me in my life. Although sometimes i find it hard to give something up to him, i'm beginning to realise that God always has something better in store for us, if we would just let him do it. Even when i think i've hit rock bottom and no one can save me, or when i lose someone dear to me and i feel like bursting into tears and seeping deep into the ground to stagnate at the water table for ever, God is always there with a hanky to dry my tears, and a shoulder to lie my head. Each time i cry, i can picture God taking me into his arms and smoothing my brow, or hugging me fiercely to his chest and saying that things wil be alright, and things seem a shade brighter than before, and i find that life is not only liveable but loveable, and i feel the urge to run again.
"faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things yet unseen"
i just love that bible verse.

judge not less ye be judged

I think that that is one of the most hardest lessons one can ever learn. To look at a person and his/her actions, and not condemn them, or place a label on them.
I've always wondered just HOW we were supposed to treat people who were obviously sinning. FOr example, homosexuals and prostitutes, gamblers, drunkards, addicts. If we shun them, like the rest of society, they will enver learn the love of GOd, and never find the strength to overcome their temptation. Yet if we just accept them into society, they might think that their actions are acceptable and continue doing so, or worse still, influence the people around them into sinning. I was discussing this with Nez, and we came up with this solution. That we state very firmly that we do not agree/condone these acts of theirs, but we are willing to associate with them, to be friends with them and love them, if they don't try to get us to join them. And then we just pray for them, continuously, and hope that God will enter their lives.
That aside, there is another sort of "judging" that i find very painful, and very sad. The kind where you know someone who has issues,like a big ego or major communication problems, and you don't tell them, but criticise them behind their backs. it's undertandable WHY one does it, simply because you feel that it is "mean" to tell them, but eventually when the person does find out (and rest assured he most certainly will), it'll be twice as painful for him/her. From my own experience on the recieving end of this treatment, i sincerely wish i had had someone to tell me that i had a swollen head, so that i might have changed, and repaired some of the damage i had done. But because i didn't, and i only realised that the people around me HADN'T liked me when it was all over and i never saw them again, it was a very painful lesson. Sometimes all we need is for someone to tell us our faults, gently, so that we will be able to see them in time. I've had a classmate, who from the first time i met her had loathed me. everytime i was friendly to her or talked to her, she'd give this murderous look and stalk away. I think it was my face that offended her or something, but i'll NEVER know, because she never said anything to me. I wish she'd have told me, so i might've considered changing. As it is, the only reason for her loathing might have been my looks (aka nerd).
To everyone out there, before you judge us, please let us KNOW, so we might change. It's the christianly way of doing things, i believe.

respect

Respect is the cornerstone of any relationship, whether it be that of teacher-student, between friends or between boys and girls. Yet most of us forget that respect is also important when addressing anyone, regardless of station, or their job, or their position in society. It is, in fact, a humanitarian right to respect someone.
Yet, in our society, we often overlook an entire group of people, simply because our self-image is so grand and enlarged that we overlook people below our eye level. these people include foreign workers, children, and people who work in the service industry.
to me, foreign workers are to be respected, because of the great burden they bear, especially domestic maids. The life they lead is so much harder than all of ours, and yet they bear it so silently and bravely, one can't help but be greatful for the source of inspiration that they are. They are cooped up, 24 hours a day in a small house, with no form of society except the occasional neighbour's maid, and their life is as dry and monotonous as a washing machine's cycle, going round over and over again without a break, till their contract is over. Their's is a life that no one can envy, the back-breaking work of cleaning the house, the feeling of imprisonment in the cramped quarters of their employer's house, the knowledge that their welfare is entirely in someone else's hands, and the constant aching pangs of loneliness that MUST grip them each night, as they lie in bed in their spartan quarters.
They have sacrificed so much for their family, it is a precious lesson of filial piety for anyone. They have given up the security of family and friends, the vast padi fields, the freedom, the chance for love to enter into their lives. If i were in their situation, i wonder if i would be able to accept the path laid before me as resignedly as they would.
I believe that it is only their due that we say a word of appreciation whenever they help make our already easy lives even easier, and i believe that it is their due that we actually take notice of them. As a girl, i am most impressed when a guy holds a door open not only for girls, but for maids, and more impressed when he says "thank you" after his domestic helper has helped him do something than the way they look or act around girls. That mindfulness of others that displays itself through small acts like these are very admirable, and in turn causes one to gain respect from others.

hitler

Remember the article about the teens who decided that hitler was their idol? I've just been reminded that i have ALOT to say on that issue.
Firstly, I do not think they actually know what they are saying. Perhaps they are one of those controversial people who seek attention by being controversial. hey, it got them on the frontpage, didn't it? albeit for the worst reasons, but still. However, it is highly worrying to see that after years of inculcating us youths with the fundamental truth that hitler was EVIL, fellow young sprouts like them have managed to plug their ears and eyes and hearts to believe what can only be blatantly wrong.
Once again, Singaporean youths are showing themselves to be the insensitive, morally lacking bunch of people that the majority are not, just because of the handful of media-hungry youths who will do anything for that 30 seconds of fame. Running around saying "heil hitler" is equally as bad as wearing the red swastika. They both glorify what ought to be put down, especially in a multiracial society like Singapore- Racism. When Prince Harry wore a red swastika in the name of fun, he was made to visit auschwitz and view first-hand what the Glorious leader Hitler did. Yet what do these handful of teens get? Media attention, a chance to show how misguided they are, and the chance to get their big heads on the newspaper. However, i can just imagine what their principal must have said about the issue in assembly the next day, and i can't help but snicker, and HOPE that they were made to attend detention, for the disrespect they show to the 6 million Jews who died during WW2 because of hitler, and the millions of others who died because of Hitler's power-hungry attitude.
I must confess that i have absolutely NO idea why they chose hitler as a representative of a great leader. Perhaps their definition of leader runs along the lines of ruthless, barbaric, power-hungry, racist, perfectionist, souless and warped. Yet i sincerely do not believe that they would subject themselves to a leadership that is half of what Hitler's was. I do not believe that they would volunteer to be part of Germany during the WW2, where they were trapped and spied upon by a insecure and suspicious ruler. So i can only conclude that they are totally devoid of an imagination that would enable them to actually view the world from a perspective different from their own mypoic ones, or that somewhere in their upbringing, something went totally awry. Perhaps we need to rethink how we, as the youths of Singapore, are viewing life. Are we too myopic? Are we so desperate to win that morals no longer mean anything to us? Have we become too entrenched in the worldly perception of fame and fortune that we have forgotten that our heart is what matters, and not the temporial body?
I have been to the holocaust museum in Israel, and just seeing this remnant of those horrifying days of WW2 is enough to make you weep. You walk through this maze of candles, thousands and thousands of them, shining, full of promise. And you know that every single one of these candles represent a child, snuffed out of this life in the gas chambers and concentration camps of the Nazis. So many families were broken apart, so many lives shattered. So much pain and so much despair, and that continuous thread of hope that links them all together. The mass graves of skeletal human beings, each body merely it's frame, the skin stretched taunt over it. You know the anorexic girls you see on the street? They are fat compared to the jews that were captured during hitler's rampage over europe. The people in the concentration camps were so thin, their bodies were a plank. You could see their pelvis from the back, and each joint and rib. THAT thin.
heavenly father, i pray that you will never let your chosen people suffer like that again. i pray that i will be a light in this growing darkness, and i pray that as your people, we will continue to spread the light that is in us, to each person we meet, till the light conquers the darkness.

God is GREAT

God is SO SO good.
he has just saved me from eternal damnation, and the possibility of failing my chinese SIA.
We were supposed to present our SIA today, but my groupmate forgot to send our powerpoint over. When we realised it, with less tha an hour to the presentation itself, i felt my stomach go lower and lower and lower. and fear rise like a great BIG bubble. We desperately needed our powerpoint, and we desperately needed to pull off our SIA, which constitutes 30% of our overall grades. For the next 30 minutes, my teammate tried calling home to get it sent over, but to no avail. I had every reason to believe that we were 30 minutes away from being barked at till we cried, or worse, made to sit through to the presentations of first two groups only to stand up in front and see our marks slide far far away.
as our first recess was about to end, we decided to go see our chinese teacher and BEG for a postpone, although she had said VERY firmly that if we screwed this up, there was absolutely NO chance. All the way down to the chinese staffroom and down to the canteen (where she was eating), i just prayed and prayed and prayed. i prayed for forgiveness for doing this project a little last minute, and i prayed that Christ would miraculously intervene. All the while, at the back of my head thinking " God WIll answer, cos the scripture says he will!" yet another cynical part of me was saying: we are doomed. God is going to punish us for doing this last minute. ah. i wish i would fall down the stairs and hit my head or something.
When we very timidly approached Liu lao shi and told her our dilemma, she just said "gai tian loh!".
i felt like laughing, and crying, and jumping for joy. i felt like singing and dancing. God HEARS. and he does, and will answer! There is no way lao shi could have been so merciful, and so NICE. We didn't deserve the extension. I knew it. we had absolutely NO chance of getting this extention. but GOd intervened, and he answered! HAH! Don't you think it's Godly- coincidental? Last week's sermon and this? And it isn't just today. God answered my prayers yesterday, even half-formed, unspoken ones that i felt was just TOO impossible to EVER happen, so i didn't ask. Yet he answered them!
yesterday, i missed the bus to take me to chua chu kang to cheer on my fellow trackmates. I had mistaken the time for us to leave class, and had only realised it half an hour after the bus had left. i was frantic, and i rushed out of class and dashed across the bridge. I felt horrible. i was so sure that i had missed Claire's race, and i was so sure that Ms tan would frown horribly at me for being late. I had no idea how to get there, except that there was a zero in the bus number, and possibly a 3 or a 1 or a 9 or a 7. After killing myself in anxiety, i arrived at the bus interchange and asked the information desk what bus to take :307. so i dashed into the queue and waited for a very short time, until the bus arrived. when i rush up the stairs to the stadium, i saw Ms tan in front of me, and all of a sudden, i was so sure that Ms tan was going to kill me. But, suprise, suprise, she SMILED at me and waved me in. and then i saw Claire and Joy walking out of the stadium in their track suits and i half-registered that they were in their warming-up attire. I HADN'T MISSED THEIR RACE! i could have shouted for joy. God, you ROCK! Thank you for letting me see claire run! otherwise, i'd have felt terrible. what kind of a lousy friend would i be if i didn't even go see one of my closest friends run? Anyway, GOd is so wonderful, marvelous and superb and all the other beautiful things that cannot be spoken.

ECG

I am absolutely fascinated by the ECG monitor. It is so wonderfully simple yet complex, and i don't understand half of what the website says, but i am intrigued. It's really interesting to know how God has planned us out to such minute details that our ventricular foci actually sends a warning stimulus when we have low blood oxygen. It's like God planned for us to have ECGs or something, so he placed all these guiding signs for doctors to study and diagnose the patient. Just by monitoring the heart's electricity pulses, the doctors can diagnose the patient for so many diseases, and they are just reading one jagged line that to the casual observer looks totally random. okay, they don't look random, but i doubt i'd be able to read just what that high peak on an ECG strip meant from a high peak that occurs a split second later. But the doctors do. they have dubbed all these waves different alphabets and they just READ it. it's so cool. I can't wait to actually find out what it really means, like how this wave is linked to the activities of the left ventricle of the heart and really complicated yet simple things like that. Hey, this could be even better than chem, and THAT's saying something.
I marvel at God's creativity. I mean, look at the robots we have come up with, even the ones on sci-fi movies. Then look at us. how we can sense our surroundings so acutely, process information in a split second and live and breathe. That's why i love bio and chem and maybe one day, physics. They just go to show that ther IS without a doubt, a GOd up there. it's not a chicken-or-egg issue, neither is it evolution. It's God.
I just love arguing about evolution, don't you? there are just so many holes in it, it's like playing the kind of video game where you hammer anything that sticks out of any of the holes. Teehee. but it's kinda embarrassing to give a SPEECH on it, because you are just representing YOUR stand, and others can just criticize it behind your back. In arguements, you sort of FORCE it on them, but when you speak, you have to persuade them to see things the way YOU see it. no wonder i get nervous.

stuck in the middle

It has been some time since i have grumbled about being the middle kid. I mean, everyone has their own share of troubles, and being in the middle does not, in any way, imply that i have a sucky job. After all, i have the best of both worlds, rite?
BUt this time, it's not just about being stuck in the middle between both my siblings. it's about being stuck in the middle between my sisters and my parents. i KNOW my mum is delusional about me being the "peacekeeper" of the family (because i am in the middle), but don't you agree that it is a little heavy to counsel my PARENTS and give them tips as to how to help my OLDER sister AND younger sister? Not that i'm special, my mum does this to my older sister, too. BUT. How am i supposed to help? I feel kinda helpless and young. I can't do this. This is my family. You can't just give your two cents worth and scram. you have to tell the truth. In the most loving, Christianly way. And it doesn't help that i'm kinda busy rite now, and i have had to reject my younger sister's birthday invitation to do chinese project. We did celebrate last night, though.
God, you say "ask and it will be given unto you". I ask that you protect my sister and surround her with loving, Godly friends, and that you will help her to study VERY hard. I ask that you will give my younger sister motivation to study hard too, and help her to grow up to be a Godly teen who loves U with all of her heart. And i pray for your wisdom to act as a middle person, and i pray that i will find the balance between work and family and i pray that i will become a doctor.

FMCC 39th anniversary

Happy birthday Faith!
i've been thinking about Luke 17:11-19, where ten lepers cried out to GOd for healing and Jesus healed them, yet only one came back to thank him. i've always wondered why Christ said "Rise and go; your faith has made you well". hadn't he already healed him? Today, for some reason, i think i have hit upon why Jesus said that. he wasn't talking about the physical healing, but of the healing of the spirit, that comes through faith. Jesus knew that physical health was superficial, and that it was not lasting. Yet because that was what the nine other lepers sought of him, he granted them their desire, for it is written "ask and it will be given unto you". Yet, when the tenth leper came back and praised him, recognising him as God, Jesus gave him a more lasting and eternal healing- he took his sins away.that's what i think, anyway.
Today, Rev Dr Isaac Lim talked about asking God for things that are so impossible WE can't do it, but HE can.It inspires me to ask for atrocious things, and yet, when i prayed, i found that i didn't really know what i wanted. How do you know what's best for you? what if i prayed for something that wasn't what God had in mind for me? And yet, i think "May thy will be done" doesn't quite fit the bill for it too. So there i was, during service, standing up to ask for something, yet not quite sure HOW to ask for it, because i didn't know what exactly i wanted. And then i remembered a sermon taught by Pastor joseph of new creation church, where he encouraged his congregation to pray in tongues, because tongues was the communication of our spirit with God. and because this communication wasn't from our minds, we wouldn't be stuck or stumbled by the deficiencies of language, neither would we ask for something while thinking for something else. So i prayed to be blessed wiith the gift of tongues. I know it isn't a methodist thing, but i believe that tongues, just like every other gift from God, will draw us closer to him, and cause our ministry to be even more effective.
I must confess that i am very confused by the whole idea of the Church being divided into all sorts of churches. like the presbyterian church, the protestant church and the anglican church. The charismatic church, the Methodist church and the baptist church. it's the same God, the same bible,and the same holy spirit. So why are the theologies so different? it's like the pharasees and the sadduccees. Our dividedness is a weakness that non-christians commonly pick on. All they have to do is pluck out a controversial issue like pre-marital sex or homosexuality and all of us start arguing about what exactly the bible meant when it said "do you not know the wicked will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Do not be decieved: Neither the sexually immoral...nor homosexual offenders...will inherit the Kingdom of GOd". is it not clear that homosexuality is sin, and therefore we should abstain? If the Church of England ever bends to the World about this issue, i think there will be a public outcry. It's like Oprah saying that she only believed in parts of the bible. The minute you choose not to believe a part of the bible, you will find it very difficult to believe in the Bible at all. The bible is Truth. That's it.
For those who argue that times have changed, my answer is simply God says "i am the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end". In songs of praise, we say that he "was and is and is to come" God never changes, and his laws do not change either. in fact, we are urged "do not conform to the pattern or the world" by Paul, in corinthians. Homosexuality has always been a prevalent problem in the Church, even in biblical times. Paul, in his letters to the church, often urges them to abstain from sexual immorality, and unnatural sexual relationships with the same gender.it is human nature to argue, but it is also human nature to sin. does this mean that we listen to our flesh, and not the Holy Spirit that dwells in our hearts? NO. we have changed, we are DEAD to sin, how can we still blatantly sin? It's is impossible for us to stop sinning, but it is possible if GOd helps us, rite? All we have to do is ask.
so tonight, i ask that we will stop arguing and stand together against the gathering darkness. I ask that i will be able to commune in the spirit with God, and i ask that i will always know right from wrong.

i miss jie

My sister just left for melbourne three hours ago.
i miss her already.
I miss her counselling,
and her advice,
her humour
which is just like mine.
i miss her laughter
cos it makes me laugh,
i miss her fashion sense
cos i haven't got one,
i miss her gait,
her walk and talk,
i miss her coming
to say goodnite.
i miss her telling me,
just what love is,
and how to show it,
in that subtle way of hers.
i miss her praise,
for all my talents
and her gentle chiding
for all my faults.
i miss the cards she'd make for us,
and all the stuff she'd write inside
that would make me smile
and promise to be good.
i miss her cupboard
stuffed full with her clothes,
i miss seeing her toothbrush
in our toilet,
but most of all,
i miss being a younger sister,
pampered and spoiled.
this is NOT a poem. it is my train of thought, and it's chopped up cos i'm tired.

Batman is educational

i am fascinated by human beings. they are the most colourful, whimsical and puzzling creature on this planet. even after 15 years of close communication, i still grapple to understand the complexities that are forever confusing me.
For example, i have learnt that humans never do anything for a single motive. there will always be a hidden agenda at the back of their minds, whether they are good or bad. Furthermore, i have become increasedly aware that most people do not even know of their less-than-transparent motives for doing things. Thus, i can conclude that not all good people have a good inside (or whatever it is that triggers such motives) and not all bad people have a bad inside. i think i am using a logical fallacy called circular reasoning.
Furthermore, i have realised that, contrary to the old saying "the leapord can not change his spots", bad people can turn good, and good people bad. Most people ahve already figured that out, but most of us chuck that valuable knowledge aside, when dealing with "bad" people.
If i bore those two revelations in mind all the time, i wouldn't judge people at all. Because firstly, they may not really be bad, but may be good people who are misguided or feel threatened into putting up a facade. Secondly, because one can notpossibly forsee the future where one might actually become like the person we have judged, or where the person we have judged changed to become some wonderful person. So when Christ said "judge not less ye be judged", he was kinda warning us of falling into the trap of our mouths, rite? He didn't want us to be judged on judgement day, as hypocrites on to of all the other awful things we have done in our lives.
this is proof that Batman is actually an educational show and therefore i can watch it. But seriously, Batman returns is kinda boring, because the dialogue is so very lame and kiddish.

today

No wonder i'm tired already! today was such a hilarious, klutzy, let-go day.
During PE, i found that i have another sport that i simply cannot play: volleyball. Everytime i get my hands under the ball and hit it, it goes a mile high up and lands metres away form the court. Which will explain what happened to me while i was "setter" for our team. i saw the ball coming at me, and i knew i could hit it, so i whacked the ball, only to see it fly... behind me. so i yelped and ran backwards, hoping to slavage, and swung blindly at the ball comind down on me, only to have it fall directly onto my upturned face. I was momentarily stunned, but nothing unfreezes you better than the hootings of your fellow team mates, i assure you. it was so hilarious, i grin from ear to ear even as i recall it.
That's not the end! during lunch, we were busy learning how to fill water balloons with paint for our youth day stall. while we were still uncertain as to how to do it properly, a class mate of mine accidentally let go of a freshly filled paint-balloon, and red paint sprayed all over me and my classmate. thankfully, i saw the spout of paint justt a fraction of a second befor eit hit me, so i kinda hit my face. so i ended up with a scalp full of red paint. i ran out of the class room to the toilet, looking like a victim of some horrific car crash or something, with "blood" dripping out if my head and big realistic looking stains on my hongzi, not to mention my legs. thankfully, i had taken of my skirt, or i'd have really been dead. For some absurd reason, i wasn't pissed at all. IN fact, while scrubbing off the paint from my scalp and hair, i remember feeling vaguely gleeful. you know, the mad gigglish feeling that makes you want to laugh quietly to yourself? i mean, i'd probably be spending the ENTIRE cme period in the toilet, trying to wash off the red paint. that meant that i wouldn't have to a) present our non-existant poster b) get scolded for our non-existent poster. that wasn't very christianly, but i couldn't help it! i was tickled silly. NOw i'm not, because i have the faintest suspicion that the red and yellow paint can'tt come off my school shoes (the yellow comes from the second time i got sprayed) and i can not bear the embarrassment of walking around with garrishly coloured shoes. ah well, maybe i'll get new WHITE school shoes. i have realised that i am exhausted. And i have been exhausted. i THINK i am stressed, but my ego refuses to admit it. Cos i have like, terrible insomnia... i drift off into the place between consciousness and unconosciousness, and stay there for the next five hours till my alarm rings. Dear Lord, help me to sleep!

in his time

Over the years, i have learnt that trusting God is the smartest thing i can do.
Really, truly, seriously. why would i lie to you?
And i'm talking about anything. whether it is about school, family, friends and all the other things that this cracked up world throws at us at ttimes. it is all part of God's marvelous plan.
For alot of people (including me, sometimes) it's hard to believe. i mean, how can it be God's plan for us to suffer? we think we are dying, hopeless and horribly screwed for all eternity. But the truth is, we aren't looking at things from God's point of view. we are so closed-minded and small, how could we possibly see the big picture? Take this from a small girl who misses out half of everything that happens around her because she can't see past the person in front of her. Yeah, it hurts. but as i hear someone say, "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger". Although we feel that it is the end of the world, the truth is, it's the beginning of a new chapter in our lives. we just have to get courage to move on and flip the page, to see what's on the other side.
I see so many of my friends fall in love and fall hard beccause the opposite person doesn't feel the same way. And all i can do is make sympathetic noises and try to see things from their point of view, and remember how it felt to feel rejected. it's not that i don't understand, but the truth is, i do understand, and that makes me all the more anxious and impatient to peresuade them that it isn't the end. life doesn't end when someone rejects you. Because it simply means that the person isn't ready for you, or that you weren't meant to be together. All we need is a little time, and a little heartache to make us stronger, and make us more mature. each time our heart is broken, it mends itself and grows a little, and in the process develops parts of the heart muscle that we never needed. heartbreak is character-moulding, and without it, we wouldn't be able to bear the future burden of true love, coupled in with all the sacrifices that you will have to make to accomodate it. that's what i've learnt, from studying all the people around me, and from studying myself. So we shouldn't try to bury the feelings, nor should we cling on to a love already fast evaporating. The wisest thing i've ever done is to "let go and let God", my personal belief is that if two people are meant to be, they will be. Hey, we are afterall referring to the God who led Rebecca to the well to draw water and the God who brought Moses to a desert tribe where he met his future wife. I'm not asking you to plan SO far ahead. I'm just saying that while you cry your eyes out over someone, don't give up on love, and most certainly DO NOT give up on GOD! because God sees the perfect happy ending in his mind, although you don't, and it is he that will guide you to it.
so trust him.

life

I think i suffer from myopia or something. not the physical myopia, but the intellectual myopia, which causes you to view life that is not within a 10 km radius around you as one hazy blur. because i find it hard to imagine what life is like without God as the sun and studying as earth, and where everything else are noxious planets far far away or small meteorites that whiz by occasionally. All my life, even before i really understood the Bible, I've known the basic foundations of christianity: God loves me, if i believe in Jesus Christ i will have eternal life, I must strive to please God and Obey YOUR PARENTS and STUDY HARD. the last two being my parent's (and almost every other sunday school mate's parent's) idea of christianity. What would life have been if i hadn't been born with all these principles carved into my heart and head? what if i had been brought up in a free thinker home with filthy rich parents who thought that money could pave any road and buy an education? i think i would have been vastly different in the way i think and act. I can't imagine what i'd do when i'm angry, or when i'm depressed.
A friend of mine made a curious comment about me that made me THINK. My friend said i was "very straight". In modern context it might insinuate that i was seriously boy-crazy, but upon clarification, i realised that he meant that i was of the one-track sort whose life was one narrow road. Which is true. I can not imagine not working hard, or slacking on Sunday mornings. I can't imagine "hanging out" at orchard road or shopping on weekdays from 3 to 10. In fact, it sounds vaguely fantastic and at the same time not a little nightmarish. But it isn't fair of me to judge the life that isn't exactly the same as mine and label it bad. Nor is it wise of me to long obsessively for that elusive dream of being "free'.
The road i walk on has been decidedd by God from way outside of time. should there come a day where there is a BIG junction in it, i know there can essentially be two choices: heaven or hell. And knowing the devil, hell will be marked by neon stickers with big flashy signs and temptations way out of sight. and heaven will be a ssimply dirt track made all the more bare by it's hip and vibrant neighbour. And so i hope i will be able to recognize the right road, and i hope that should i ever stray, there will be teleportation stations along hell's highway, that i can quickly transfer myself to the path headed towards heaven.
But coming back to the topic, i was wondering how i might treat an "alien" from another "world" whose path intersects mine. i can hardly stop myself from labelling the person weird, and yet i long to see how life is, through his eyes. how is it that we all live in the same country, or go to the same school, yet the lives we live are so vastly different? i have to learn to be less square, and although i intend to stick to MY path, i don't want to be totally oblivious to the entire network of paths crisscrossing mine all the time. i want to KNOW what it's like to be someone else, and yet stay safe in my own world. i guess that's not possible. unless i use my imagination, and even then, it doesn't come close enough. when i go to heaven, i shall study the world with a magnifying glass, and trace an idividual through his life, and examine his thoughts, feelings and experiences with care.
Maybe that's why God gave us an imagination. to view the world from another perspective, so that it would not look like a square table top, but as a globe. Lord, help me not to judge others.

love

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all thing. 1 cor 13:17
that's what a friend told me when i asked him what love was.
it made me think. Have i really been loving? Do i really "bear" and endure" all? maybe that's what was missing from my relationship with my younger sister. maybe that's what i needed. true, Godly love. love that bears all and endures all. love that chooses to believe all that is good, all that is true, and that hopes that the rest may someday change. that's what i have to do.
I guess Love is truly the answer. if i could do my life all over again, i think i'd not have done it the same way. i'd have been more patient, more enduring. maybe then i wouldn't be facing the backwash of all the things i did before, all the mistakes i made. But i can't go back, so i'll have to go forward and salvage all i can.
this is really really cool. God, thank you for talking to me. thank you. even though the context wasn't meant for THAT kind of love.